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Tuesday, 24 February 2009

  • Next chapter.

    It's been too long since I've used xanga and I'm now clueless on how to use it.  Xanga was such a familiar territory just 5-6 years ago but now it's just a foreign locale filled with nothing but fond memories and smiles.

    Anyways, as you may already know, I love to write.  I usually like to write about myself (haha) but can no longer find the time nor energy to do so.  Plus, my life is no longer fun and drama-filled like before, so there's no point of continuing to feed my narcissism.  So I recently joined a new blogging channel called examiner.com where I blog about things I know a lot about-and as of now, that is being a woman and mommy.

    So with the new title LA On-the-Go-Mom, I will be blogging about what it means to be a mommy in this fast-paced world on topics that pertain to both motherhood and womanhood.  After all, I realized I can't stop being a mommy to be a woman and vice versa, so why not master the art of both.

    Before I say my final adieu, I'm leaving my footsteps so you can follow me when you want to (or are ready to). Guys probably won't find my articles too interesting, but ladies, both single and married, should pay attention because you may be able to save a lot of time and heartache by following my advice on motherhood. 

    Angela's bright footsteps

    Then, there's my real writings. I'm finally coming out of the closet with my writer self. Before you read though, please remember not to view us as the same person.

    My new blog




    I'll be waiting. :)

Wednesday, 29 August 2007

  • Life is moving by so fast these days that it almost doesn't make much sense to a logical mind.  But of course, I'm far from logical---so I just capture the thought only for a brief second and let it go as if that's how its always been.

    I'm turning 27 in a few weeks and I'm having contradicting feelings about it.  A part of me tells me that I'm still young, and that I've done great thus far.  I have two beautiful girls to call my own and am somewhat moving along on a career path that I've always felt passionate about.  Yet another part of me tells me that I'm now closer to my 30's then 20's and yes, even though some people tell me that 30's is the new 20's, I can't help but to feel like my youth is slowly (but surely) slipping through my fingers. 

    Youth.  It's one of those things you can't really appreciate while you're still young.  Just like everything else in the world, you don't really think about it until you see it drifting farther and farther away from you.

    So this year, I'm going to do something nice for myself.  A beautiful dinner and some drinks with gfs, a nice relaxing day at a day spa, and a visit to my favorite hair stylist...whatever it is, I'm gonna let myself take care of myself for once..

    I really wonder how I'll feel when I hit the big 3-0. 


Sunday, 19 August 2007

  • Silent words

    Tonight, I'm thinking about unintended feelings.  You know..those feelings that you know you shouldn't get but do and cannot help.  Or feelings that you induce in another person, although you never meant for that person to feel that way.

    Although one can never deny the power of words..whether it is verbal, written, or conveyed through gestures or other body languages, tonight..I'm thinking of the power of silence---that is, words left unsaid and feelings left hidden somewhere deep down inside.

    At moments such like this, I feel that words left unsaid carry a much larger meaning, and because of its strength, I'm having a hard time shaking it off.  So instead of trying to communicate, I stay quiet, don't say another word, and immerse myself in silence.

    But for some reason, I can't help but to keep worrying that my silence is telling him something much more powerful, and that my silence is filling his head and heart with feelings that I never meant to deliver. 

    Maybe a lie....a little lie...is better than silence at times like this.

    And if I do make up a lie, I'm going to have to be very careful, because every single word counts when first breaking the long silence.

Wednesday, 15 August 2007

  • Wo-men: Reinvented

    So I was sitting at the library, with a huge stack of rhetoric and composition books in front of me, trying to type out lesson plans, paper guidelines etc., and all of a sudden, I realized that I wanted to be home playing with my two girls.  I spend every day and night with them and I've been watching them ever since they were born.  I was able to go to school and take care of them without any outside help (my mom helped me most of them time), and I thought that I was finally ready to start working regularly because that is what I've always wanted to do.   As much as I LOVE being a mommy and taking care of them daily, I've always had a passion for reading and writing (I know..I'm a nerd) and always wanted to pursue a career in the academia.  I know its hard to imagine me in clothes from Banana Republic (I know..I'm still trying to get used to them) with black-rimmed glasses, but trust me, I am a huge bookworm at heart who'd rather spend her weekends cuddled up with a good book than go out and party (well partying is still fun every now and then- you get my point).

    And then, today, for the first time ever, I started having doubts.  Not about my choice of career because I can't imagine doing anything else with my time..but about being a working mom.  I've always been a huge advocate of moms being able to work outside of home because I know that females are just as capable, if not more capable, than males in many line of jobs.  And today I, Angela Lee, was having second thoughts about being a working mom!!!!

    Now that's a red flag.  I couldn't believe how I was feeling.  I'm always telling my male classmates that males and females should have equal opportunities in society and that there is no logical explanation on why females can't do certain things that men can do...except for things that require muscles...and I was having second thoughts about starting work and getting further with my career!

    After a short period of panic and confusion, I came back to my senses and realized that the one who's missing Elise and Tess is the "mother" in me, not the "professional" in me.  And as much as I wanted to kick the "mother" out of me when I was working, I couldn't help it because she has already became such a huge part of my daily existence.  It really is a lot more difficult for moms to leave for work than dads for many obvious reasons, but one main reason is that we all carry something so precious and powerful called "maternal instincts" that we can never leave behind.  Once you have a baby, no let me rephrase that. Once you find out you're pregnant, your maternal instincts kick in and you are no longer who you were.  You are a MOM now.  Whoever you were, are, or will become, no longer matters because now you have to be prepared to face the biggest (and the greatest) challenge of your life.  It's like a battle with yourself. your inner demons that tell you that you can't do it...that you're not ready..that you'll never be able to find the right balance between who you are for yourself and who you are for your child.

    And today, that inner demon came out once again trying to tell me that there was no way I can possibly become a professor AND a mommy.  That I had to give one up for the other, and that there was no way I can be good at both.  I honestly don't think this is because females are incapable of doing more than watching kids, fixing dinner, and doing their husband's laundry.  I strongly believe that this is due to the fact that our history and our society continue to condition us to think this way--by hindering our intellectual and spiritual growth or simply by not even giving us a chance to think for ourselves.

    So as much as I respect stay-at-home moms (because they really do have the most difficult jobs in the world), I decided that this is just another obstacle that I have to overcome as a woman, and that I have to continue to move forward. 

    I think I have two girls for a reason--because quite frankly, I'm not sure how well I can raise a little boy. When we found out that we were expecting another girl, my husband couldn't hide his disappointment, but I was secretly jumping up and down in joy because I wanted Elise to have a sister.  Boys scare me in many ways (haha) and I don't know how well I'll handle seeing my boy grow up to break other girls' hearts and do things that "guys" do, although I would love to have a boy one day just to raise him into a good man (wishful thinking of a naive parent?)  So in the end, I just pulled out a picture of Elise and Tess, gave them a smile and a kiss--and went back to work.  One day when they're old enough to understand such hardships of growing up as a female in our society, I'll tell them that mommy was working not because I didn't want to stay home with them everday, but because the outside world needs us women to become a more functional and well-rounded society. 

    ..See how I always have so much to say about everything? This is why I need to continue writing.

Friday, 10 August 2007

  • Purple Reign

    Some of you may already know this, but my favorite color has always been purple.  Deep purple, velvet, lavender, purple with a slight tint of pink, you name it...I love it all.  When a close friend of mine has told me that those who like purple are very dark, mysteriously, and even psychotic at times, I thought that it's time for me to pursue another color for the remainder of my life.  Blue? Green? Maybe even yellow? Although none of these colors have the same effect on me as the color purple does.

    And today, I came across this:

    Purple

    Purple is the color of spirituality.

    Purple personalities are always striving to be better than they consider themselves to be, both on a spiritual, emotional and a mental plane. Needing more knowledge, they become avid readers. Trying to become what they think they should be, they search their own lives and the lives of others to find the answers. The study of religions makes them feel as if they are accomplishing something bigger than themselves in life. A good theological discussion is right up their alley.

    Wanting to help as many people as they can, they are more than willing to give you the benefit of their education. Trying to achieve perfection, they seem to struggle with themselves more than most because they tend to be so critical of themselves.

    I'd say that this is probably one of the most accurate, dead-on summary of my personality and traits.  It's amazing that something minor like a favorite color can serve as a reflection of your characters.  So I decided to stick with purple as my favorite color.  Dark and psychotic at times? Maybe..but at least I'm spiritual.

    So, I've finally had some QT for myself lately..and posting on xanga is definitely helping.  So thanks xanga for listening to my often meaningless thoughts and giving me a chance to exercise my brain before school starts.  

    My last random thought of the day:

    I've been trying to relive my past these days.  Not sure why...maybe I'm going through a late 20's identity crisis or just desperately in need to find myself again.  I've been so consumed in my responsiblities and duties as a mommy that it's been too long since I've had a chance to reminisce about my past.  Whenever I run into an old friend and he/she asks "How have you been Angela?" I'd simply say "I'm such a mom now..My girls this and that..blah blah on and on" and never about how I AM doing.  I guess its normal considering the fact that your children becomes your only life in their early years..but I think it's okay to talk about how "I" am doing once in a while, right?  I think that's where the biggest difference between men (father) and women (mother) lies.  Men are always able to leave family at home while he's out working- but women take her family with her wherever she goes, unless she makes a conscious effort not to.  I'm not saying there are no exceptions to this generalization, but I think its a pretty good point..considering my own experience and experiences of my close friends.

    On a different note, my "fun days" were filled with so much drama, endless nights of partying, drinking, acting stupid at noraebang with girlfriends, being confused about whether this guy has feelings for me or whether I have feelings about him, etc. etc. About whether I'd rather spend my weekends partying with girlfriends or going out on a first date with a friend--whether he's just a friend or something more...whether I need to move on with my life or return my ex-bf's phone call, whether I should take advantage of alcohol courage to drunk call this guy that I really like or just continue to be indifferent towards him in order to hide my feelings that makes me feel really stupid...

    Driving back to Diamond Bar, or even worse, Riverside, while the sun is coming up after a long night of partying, waking up at a friend's apartment in LA and realizing that I had fallen asleep on my friend's hair, grubbing with girlfriends at Jinju Gomtang early Sunday morning with disheveled hair and runny eyeliner--and looking up to find the cute guy from the night before staring right at me as if he's wondering if I am the same girl he had met from the night before (haha), watching the entire first season of Sex in the City in one sitting in pj's with a slice of pizza in one hand and beer in the other, trying on five different outfits to look completely polished in case you run into that "guy" and realizing 10 minutes away from the club that you should've worn the first outfit instead (and wanting to drive back home to change), spending a little more money than you should on a brand new outfit just to match your new pair of heels--only to find out halfway into the night that there is no way in hell you can ever wear those shoes again because they're so damn uncomfortable--"What? I paid $200 for these shoes? I want my damn money back!!"..And of course, there is no returns on shoes already worn..damn.

    I'm sure many of you girls can relate to some of these memories.  As I get older, I realize more and more how precious and important memories can be.  Some people are able to overcome any obstacles in life simply by holding onto memories that are dear to his/her hearts.  There were some crazy days and nights indeed..but it was such a good time, that there's no way I can ever regret a single moment of it..

    So go out and make as many good memories as you can.  Years down the road when you find yourself as a mother or a father/ a husband or a wife--with bills to pay, babies to feed, toys to pick up, dinner to prepare, and work to be done until late night--you'll find that fond memories are all you need to make you smile and continue on.